Your nervous system is your responsibility.

But what does that actually mean?

Let's break it down.

Usually (and I mean usually in the sense of how most of us think it's supposed to go based on the way we were shown by our family members, society, media, literally every single person in a position of authority and power in the Western World, etc), when we're feeling discomfort, we look outside of ourselves for the solution to that "problem."

That outside could be our thoughts, or it could be other people, or our government officials, or it could be in acquiring/consuming things, depending on our belief systems and cultural background, but the point is, inside is your heart, and outside is anything that isn't your heart, and most people are looking outside, not inside, to resolve their discomfort.

This is humanity's unfortunate "default" button so to speak and it's very troublesome (and as you can probably tell, really nuanced).

And honestly, the bigger truth here is that most people don't even register that they're feeling discomfort at all unless it's a really big trigger and instead dive straight into these outside-oriented codependent patterns before even realizing something is amiss inside themselves. Often times there isn't really a "before" or "after" a triggered event that has any clear distinction because we're just continuing the pattern we were raised in without ever having questioned it. Our behaviors are so iron-clad in unhelpful expressions that keep us locked up in suffocating paradigms that we can't even SEE the dysregulation.

So, like, what do you do if you can't even see it?

My suggestion is to just go ahead and assume that you don't have a handle on your nervous system and dive right in to getting a handle on it. It doesn't even need to be that big of a deal. You don't even need to beat yourself up about it because WE ALL HAVE TO DO IT and NONE OF US KNEW ABOUT IT UNTIL WE FOUND OUT ABOUT IT. I was not born with this info. My mom didn't teach it to me. I had to learn how to do it, too!

It's like, "okay, there was this thing I never knew, that my parents never knew either, that none of my friends know, that my teachers didn't know to teach me, that my government DEFINITELY didn't know, and now I'm gonna go learn about it and take my life by the reigns and get a move on."

It's like that.

MOST people do not have the sovereignty to self-soothe an activated nervous system under a vast range of life circumstances, so you're really definitely not alone in this (see my post Let’s Talk About Emotional Maturity Privilege for further info on this).

(If you want to know why I'm so gung-ho about us all getting our needs met, this is why. Although I can clearly see this reality and that it impacts the majority of humanity, I also find it very alarming given the delicate situation our planet is currently in)

Anyway, what I said just before is important so I'm going to break that down, too.

You may have a stable nervous system under predictable life circumstances. You may be pretty good at regulating yourself in communities of people who have similar tools as you. But the truth is: we're all creatures of habit. We instinctively create lives for ourselves which give us the impression of security (even though no such thing actually exists) and I guess by now most people who have lived through two years of lockdowns understand how preciously impermanent and insecure life truly is.

And I guess you probably understand now more than ever before that [volatile] change is inevitable.

Maybe perhaps for the first time in our lifetime the rare blessing COVID has been for all of us is that we can actually be honest with ourselves about the true state of our nervous systems?

Wouldn't that be a wonderful byproduct of such a challenging time? To just be able to look ourselves squarely in the mirror and say "okay, so this is where I am, THANK GOD now I know, now I can get to work."?

This is my deepest prayer. This is the awakening we all need.

Okay, so! Now that we're clear that a change is required, you need to know that the brain creates new neural pathways under three different conditions (and you need to create new neural pathways as a function of changing behavior; they are one in the same, behavior is our neurological response):

Feedback (positive/negative reinforcement)
Association (this behavior evokes that response)
Modeling (seeing someone else do something, or getting a felt imprint of a particular way of being, and emulating that)

Here's the bad news first: you can't trust the feedback loop of a sick society and your associations are probably mis-wired, so all you've got to lean on is finding good role models.

We unfortunately lack healthy and sovereign role models in the public eye. Even people who SAY they are "healthy" aren't, you guys. The internet is FULL of people who claim to be models for sovereignty and who are definitely the exact opposite. IT IS A CONFUSING WORLD OUT THERE.

So I want to give you an imprint of what I mean when I say a sovereign person with a strong and stable nervous system who takes total responsibility for their self-regulation.

What it feels like to be around a person like this is: LOVE (when you're receptive this person may feel like coming home to be around, but if you're resistant in any way, it could also feel really exposing and threatening! See "mis-wired association" above).

What it looks like will vary from person to person because we all have our own personalities, but what I consider to be common points amongst the vast range of sovereign humans I know are:

Exacting and precise with their energy.
COMPASSION AND HUMILITY.
Attention to nuance and detail without losing the broader picture.
Easily embrace paradox.
Don't take anything personally.
Responsible for their impact (often before anyone else needs to hold them accountable to it).
Healthy boundaries.
Embrace diversity of thought and do not want others to be or think like them.
Clear, clean, honest communication (no charge, no hooks).
Bountiful depth of transmission in expression (you can feel it without ever being able to name what it is).
Focus on what is, not on what is not, both in themselves and in their interactions with others.

These are the people to follow like your life depended on it. These are the people to observe and mimic until the cows come home. These are the safe people to trust to let guide you toward your most vulnerable parts unknown. They are also the people who are best equipped to help you see what's uniquely needed for you to thrive (because they will, quite explicitly, never attempt to make you like them or assume that you have the same needs they do).

My deepest desire is to be in the world as a person who demystifies the seeming complexities of our spiritual and emotional evolution. Regulating your nervous system is not as hard as it sounds, but depending on where you come from and how thick that learned behavior is, it will definitely require an investment of time, energy, and discipline.

Learning to breathe is a great place to start. If you need some inspiration, you can find my Free Breath Bundle and download three guided breathing exercises. If you have questions about any of this, join my next Free Ask Me Anything call. Sign up for a consultation. Inquire and let’s talk about what sort of support you need.

The point is: I want to support you. What are you waiting for?