Let's talk about body image.
Photo by Marion Michele on Unsplash
Let's talk about fat.
Yesterday, I went and got an InBody Test at Bulletproof Labs.
It tells you what your breakdown of lean muscle mass, fat, intra/extracellular water, etc, is.
Getting that test was both a relief and totally confronting, at the same time.
You see, I've put on weight in the past year and a half.
Launching a business while attempting to work full time is hard work.
Running a business full time without secure income is hard work.
Having a business where I'm traveling the way I do is hard work.
Creating routine that doesn't clamp down on creative flow is hard work.
It's been a huge challenge to balance my greatest life aspirations amidst all this. Being fit and feeling energized and healthy is one of the things that's been suffering the most.
So I got this test back and I see the "numbers on the scale" and the break down of fat and muscle and I'm so confronted I can hardly function for the rest of the day.
I couldn't even see or hear that I'm significantly stronger than most women, and that the quality and health of my cellular structure is in the top percentile.
All I saw was that body fat percentage and that total weight number and immediately judged the shit out of both.
I WAS SO MAD AT MYSELF.
Because I've worked so hard to get healthy after a childhood being so so sick and a young adulthood of being overweight and out of shape.
Because I care so much about eating well and staying hydrated and getting enough sleep and ensuring I'm living in a way that supports my genes and staying away from allergens and supporting my historically low metabolism.
Because I KNOW BETTER.
Let me tell you what though. It's not good enough to know better. My brilliance as a coach is sometimes not enough to talk my very convincing mind out of telling me I'm a worthless piece of shit.
WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!
And so I sat and I listened to myself last night. I listened to every single word. I was on the verge of tears as I listened to the things I say to me the second the rubber hits the road and things get rough.
"You're not good enough."
"You are lazy."
"You are in denial."
"You're broken."
Sometimes, I'm not all that nice to me.
And here's the craziest part. I look back at pictures of myself a year and a half ago, when I wasn't trying to juggle all the things, and I think: "Wow, look how lean and fit and sexy I was!"
And then I remember that moment back then, and how fat I felt.
The level of body distortion that exists in this world is out of control. Especially amongst women. And I struggle with it, too.
But here's the light at the end of the tunnel:
What was also included in this test, was an evaluation of what would be a HEALTHY weight for me.
You want to know what mine is?
171lbs (78kg).
Read that again ^^^.
That's the weight I was a year and a half ago when I still felt fat.
If I ever wanted to be 135lbs (the weight I was when I was 14 years old, the weight so many people strive for regardless of body type), I'd be at 0% body fat. I'd have severe health problems, wouldn't ovulate, and likely would look pretty gross.
This is important. To me, and to any woman reading this who is approaching the end of the year with a number on the scale in mind for her New Year's Resolution.
Yes, get real with yourself about what's going on with your body.
Yes, resolve to be healthy, make healthier decisions, and dedicate your attention and energy to investing in yourself.
No, it's not realistic or even wise to obsess over a fucking number. And you may need to experiment with this until you can finally hear all the nasty things you say to yourself about what it means about who you are as a person when you're not perfect. I certainly did.
Once you can tell yourself the truth about where you are, with full, loving, unabashed approval, you can *finally* determine where you're going.
And you may not end up where you thought you would when you started.