Transmuting indifference to live a better life.
I used to be terrified of conflict.
But I didn't think of it in that way at the time.
The way I oriented toward it was a sophisticated strategy even I was totally unaware of where I used control, avoidance and charm to deescalate. I sugar-coated my language and leaned heavily on my clarity and eloquence to either soften a person or completely disarm them.
And if that didn't work (which was the case with most members of my family), then I would stoically walk away, feeling self-righteous and justified.
I didn't understand that this way of being was harming me. I didn't see how it was possible that it could have any impact on me at all. I felt I was doing what I needed to do in order to survive and prosper and that was that.
But subtly, over time, I noticed that I couldn't really hear myself. It wasn't instant and so there was no stark contrast to notice. I just realized at one point after years of living in this way that I had somehow veered far off of my path. I felt like I was living someone else's life and not my own. I couldn't hear my own heart.
I had a "great" life by everyone else's standards. I didn't have anything to complain about.
But I was totally indifferent to it.
Indifference is one of those subtle covert reactive styles which, for me, now, sounds the alarms. It's a cue for me that I'm self-protecting. It's a signal for me that I need to amp up my self-care, dive deep into my practices, and start asking _myself_ the tough questions. It's a sign I've lost sight of my own joy.
Most people, when they feel indifferent, leave relationships, quit jobs, make drastic life decisions thinking they've fallen out of love and that it cannot be repaired or retrieved or even rebirthed anew.
Making decisions when we feel indifferent is probably one of the most harmful ways reactivity and nervous system activation shows up in the western person's life.
Indifference provokes us to buy things we don't need.
Indifference severs otherwise beautiful relationships and obstructs huge growth and learning opportunities.
Indifference makes us suspicious and skeptical of others.
Indifference dulls us and weakens our magnetic radiance.
To be able to repair indifference in the world we live in is like having a legit super power.
Being able to do that for myself required me to get right with conflict. My conflict aversion with others of course started within.
I had to be willing to ask myself questions I didn't have answers to in order to relocate my joy.
I needed to be willing to do whatever it took to shake the indifference out of me, no matter how unconventional.
I needed to innerstand how it's possible that there could be value in letting something be painfully out of tune without trying to force it to resolve, becoming indifferent to it, or abandoning it if it wouldn't, which required a level of precision of presence and attention I needed to actually cultivate over time.
I had to learn (over and over again through a lot of trial and error) that actually there is a great deal of mastery in being able to sit with dissonance without needing to change it at all. That on the other side of that dissonance is a sort of joy and elation that is inaccessible if you don't go all the way through the disharmony first.
Indifference is one of those reactive styles which lives on my own Reactivity Blueprint, alongside self-righteousness and justification. They are cues for me that I'm being conflict-averse in my life, and that there is probably something more vulnerable going on inside me that I'm attempting to protect; some truth I'm struggling to admit to myself; some deeper part of myself I don't know how to access just yet.
It's the proverbial spotlight telling me I have something to look at. It's my cue to pause and go into inquiry. It's my cue to spend some time alone and sometimes it's also my cue to connect with others. It's my cue to breathe. It's my cue to share withholds and unexpressed truths and see where it all lands.
I have no idea where I would be in my life if I didn't gain this awareness and integrate these tools to work with my nervous system all those years ago. If I simply ignored the indifference and attempted to medicate it away by continuing to live someone else's life. And I am so glad I have no idea and that I didn't make the choice to stay where I was. I have zero nostalgia about it.
Each of the choices we make in our lives serves to either accelerate our growth or prolong our suffering. Acceleration is often wildly uncomfortable and can feel deeply conflicting and adversarial at first. But suffering is not our birthright — joy is — and joy gets accessed through the acceleration.
UNBOUND is designed to address this particularly subtle area of suffering by walking you through your own unique Reactivity Blueprint. Perhaps indifference is also a cue for you, demanding a very specific protocol to disrupt, or perhaps it's something entirely different. In our three months together, the only thing you're bound to is finding out. May the truth set you free.
Registration begins Thursday and is open until Thursday, March 10th at 4pm CET.
Cost to participate is a one-time payment of 999€ or three monthly payments of 333€.