Remember to breathe.
You cannot "mind over matter" a dysregulated nervous system.
Among the many aspects of my work in supporting people to bridge their heart and mind, I teach powerful communication skills and mindset hacks to accelerate growth.
And one of the things I always emphasize is that these tools are designed to be used from a neutral — regulated — nervous system.
When the nervous system is activated, no matter what the reason is, there are DIFFERENT, VERY IMPORTANT tools to bring harmony back into the system, BEFORE using our intellect to accelerate growth (and I teach those tools, too!).
This is why knowing what your needs are is such a helpful exercise. This is why understanding your unique reactivity blueprint is so essential, so you can recognize that activation before it cripples you or impacts your behavior.
I used to be painfully anxious in relationships. I had a lot of terror around being dropped out of the blue, being ghosted, and not being good enough.
And I'm not exaggerating when I say terror.
I would panic the moment I felt a partner turn their attention away from me because some deeply embedded neural pathway in me sounded the alarms and told me that meant I was about to be betrayed or have the rug pulled out from underneath me and I would literally start to hyperventilate.
And I often proved myself right (not shockingly, I was attracted to men who would do this very thing! It was a self-fulfilling prophecy of the best, most painful, kind!).
Because these deep-seated abandonment and betrayal fears were heavily ingrained, I couldn't just think my way out of them. They were paralyzing.
I had to literally rebuild my entire foundation around secure attachment.
I needed a lot of positive reinforcement for a while.
I needed to develop the discernment to co-regulate with healthy people and not unhealthy ones (this took me years).
I needed to feel empowered to self-regulate when I became imbalanced by trusting my own process, no matter how uncomfortable it got.
I had to learn how to identify what my needs were while I was healing, and ruthlessly pursue having those needs met.
One of those needs was that I couldn't be around erratic and volatile people for a while. I couldn't be around people who relied on me to be strong and stable because I needed to be able to relax and be vulnerable without judgment. I needed to unrelentingly choose environments which were supportive of me, and I needed a self-care routine on steroids to reinforce my safety within myself constantly.
I needed to be willing to say no to any man who wasn't available to offer me some aspect of continuity in our relating, and I needed to move VERY SLOWLY in the the development of our sexual relationship.
And to be clear, not a single part of me identified as weak or unstable or powerless or whatever. All of this was occurring in parallel to me being a deeply sensual high-achiever, living a life people envied, generally appearing happy and enthused about life.
And most of the time I actually was all of those things! But I was also haunted by this undercurrent of insecurity. Because I literally got desperate to no longer have these breakdowns every time I got into a relationship, I finally decided to do something about it.
I want you to know that these two things can simultaneously coexist. How do I know? Because they genuinely did for me and they genuinely do for most people I know. Feeling destabilized by a dysregulated nervous system is not a poor reflection on you, but it is information and important feedback about what requires your immediate attention.
Most of us only encounter these issues in relationships with other people, and so it's easy to convince ourselves that they aren't issues so long as we distance ourselves from any real intimacy.
Intimacy is bound to unearth ALL of it. It's really just a matter of time.
And most of us deeply crave intimacy of all kinds. But if we feel volatile and out of control in intimate connections (whether romantic or not; intimacy does not necessarily equal sex), then we're likely to unconsciously sabotage any and all efforts to create it.
By suffocating people and being overly attentive.
By being too busy and literally not physically available.
By being ambiguous and lacking clarity.
By social habits like gossip to avoid the discomfort of sharing something more deep and substantial about ourselves.
By never putting ourselves in circumstances where we can't be in control.
By being a know-it-all.
By performing and being a perfectionist.
Recognizing that these are unhealthy expressions of dysregulation (otherwise known as anxious or avoidant or disorganized attachment styles) is your first cue to try something different. Everyone has different needs here, but it's usually always a combination of
a willingness to research creating a different outcome by interrupting habitual behavior and trying something else
faith and trust
identifying and expressing your needs clearly
breathwork to regulate your nervous system and build up resilience
And to that final point, I've got a new freebie on offer: my Free Breath Bundle download.
The Breath Bundle includes three separate mp3s of guided breathing exercises designed to regulate your nervous system, quiet the mind, and promote resilience.
It's totally free and it's yours for the taking. This is your opportunity to, quite literally, have my voice in your head. There is not a single person on the planet who is "too advanced" for breathing. Get yours now.
