When you're the one who is emotionally unavailable.
Photo by Henri Pham on Unsplash
What to do when you realize you're the one who is unavailable?
At the core of all emotional intelligence and personal development work is this simple notion: what you see in others is a mirror reflection of what exists in you.
And so what happens when you experience another person as emotionally unavailable, for example?
What do you do?
You could choose to continue to hold back on that person, projecting your stories onto them that they aren't able to hold you in your most tender places, and watch as they magically seem to obey the mark, complying to each twisted and limiting idea you have pinned on them, PROVING YOU RIGHT!!!
Or.
You could do a quick check:
"Where am *I* being unavailable right now?"
"Is it possible *my own* unavailability could be impacting my impression and experience of this connection?"
"What would need to shift inside of me in order for me to have a different experience?"
Presumably you'll come up with some concrete answers to those questions (if you're being honest with yourself).
I'm going to tell you guys straight up. I have a big heart and I have deep feels, and the outer ranges of both of those are TENDER places.
So whenever I make a suggestion to you that is something along the lines of OPEN WIDER AND BE GENEROUS it's important for you to understand that I'm WELL aware of how hard this is.
It's hard for me, too.
But we can do hard things.
I know some of you are over-achievers, and so I want to give you an advanced practice that is the most generous thing you can do in literally any connection.
Own it.
Take full responsibility for where you hold back, withhold, or are not the fullest expression of yourself that you could be.
Share that you've spent months (or years!) projecting your own BS story on them, ultimately limiting the depth of your connection.
Taking this leap sometimes feels like a total free-fall. But here's what it also does:
It sets you free.
Free to heal material you didn't even know you were still carrying around.
Free to love more deeply.
Free to connect with yourself in places you had no idea you were disconnected.
Free to move about the cabin freely.
And so on, and so forth.
I am going to invite you to try this and see what it unlocks for you.
Think about a person in your life (doesn't have to be an intimate partner, but should be someone you know reasonably well, and whom you care about) whom you perceive as not emotionally available, or otherwise emotionally shut down.
Do some writing about all the ways you experience them as this way. Maybe you think they aren't genuine. Maybe you think they are full of garbage. Maybe you think they are lazy or don't care about you. Maybe you think they are out of integrity or a liar. Whatever it is, write it all down.
Then: look at all the ways you do those things to them. (this won't work unless you really own this step)
THEN (here's the doozy): schedule a time to see them in person if possible, and then share, vulnerability, the truth with them.
"I've been projecting my own unavailability onto you, and using that as evidence to not share myself fully with you. The truth is that I'm terrified, and in that fear, I made you wrong, and told myself you were not genuine and that I couldn't trust you."
You may think the juice of this experience comes in sharing those vulnerable words with the other person, and in receiving their response.
And while it is a huge part, it's not the juiciest part.
It's in the metabolization of the realization itself.
This is where the real magic happens.
This is where, by you ACTUALLY BECOMING AVAILABLE IN A NEW PLACE, you open yourself up to receiving the back-log of love from that person that you thought was missing the whole time but actually wasn't! (warning: it could sideswipe you like a MAC truck).
You might cry (and that's okay).
What comes up afterward might surprise you and feel destabilizing (and that's okay, too).
You may feel like you're re-writing history in real-time (that's pretty much what's happening).
You might start having memories or clarity you had previously blocked out about your own childhood trauma (and that's also really really beautiful).
You might discover whole new emotions you've never felt before (that's the best!).
My point is, making these kinds of vulnerable shares are the glue of relationship, and they are also the catalyst to some of the deepest healing you'll ever do in your own life.
So go get 'em.
Happy New Year. I love you. <3