When I teach about Feedback to businesses, there are two particular highlights in that training for participants.

The first is that we should ask for consent before offering feedback. Somehow, this is revolutionary for everyone I offer it to, as though we all carry around carte blanche to just let people know what we observe or think about them any time it’s convenient for us.

This is the reality most of us are operating in, and it can feel pretty volatile. When I teach about this, consent is the first tenant I teach. I call it a tenant because it’s not a rule, as such, but it is a good guideline to follow in our relationships with others.

Asking for consent before giving someone feedback does many things. It gives them an opportunity to say yes or no. Maybe now isn’t a good time because their attention is elsewhere. Maybe they aren’t feeling receptive and want to be, so they can really let in what you’re telling them. Maybe they are having a really terrible day, and constructive criticism will send them over the edge.

These are kind considerations in relating.

Also, a lot of times, we want to give feedback because it feels urgent to us. Usually it feels urgent because our feedback carries some charge and we want to unload it so it is no longer hanging out in our minds and bodies.

As a rule of thumb, if it feels urgent that you give the feedback, it’s probably not the right time. It’s a good idea to wait until that charge subsides, so you can offer feedback with an open heart, and not from any closure or defense. It also gives you a chance to check yourself to be sure you’re not just airing out a judgment and projecting it onto the other.

The second thing I teach which is usually pretty illuminating for folks is this:

If you are incapable of seeing what is brilliant in a person, you have no business telling them where they need to grow.

Often feedback is perceived as “negative,” but I like to consider feedback as both positive reflection, and opportunities for growth.

Real talk: we ALL have areas for growth. And we require other people in order to see what those growth edges are.

But when we’re in the business of building connection and intimacy, particularly emotional intimacy, there is an art to giving great feedback to the ones you love.

Anyone who has been in a long term relationship probably knows this scenario well. You’ve been in relationship for a while, and the longer you’re together, the more of their flaws you can spot. It doesn’t take long before the flaws start to take front and center in your relationship, and you might even forget why you’re there.

Enter: the 80/20 rule. 80% positive reflection, 20% constructive criticism.

This is one of my favorite muscles to train, because it has the potential to radically transform any relationship, and particularly those of a more intimate nature.

The 80/20 rule follows my teaching and tenant that if you can’t see what’s brilliant in a person, you have no business pointing out where they suck. It’s an awareness muscle to train to actually go looking for another person’s brilliance — the things you absolutely love about them — instead of focusing on what drives you crazy.

(Just to be clear, positive reflection is not the same thing as a “compliment.” Offering a positive reflection requires energy, attention, and deep noticing. It’s not “I love your dress” or “thank you for doing the dishes” — rather, it’s “I love how much care and effort you put into the things that matter to you” or “I can really see how much it benefits you to support other people”)

This has three fantastic benefits:

1. The more you go looking for what you love about a person, the more you feel love for them.

2. Putting 80% of your attention on what you love, and expressing those things with the same fervor you register your complaints creates closeness, intimacy, trust, and security in a bond. It demonstrates that you’re not just willing to see the gnarly parts, but that you can see the beautiful parts too, and those parts are never far away in your heart, even when you’re giving constructive criticism.

3. This one is my favorite: the more you focus on the beauty around you, the more you might notice that you haven’t been doing that enough. Usually, it will reveal how hard you are on YOU, and your dear beloved may be the mirror to show you your own internal narrative in this case through the impulsive nitpicking. Most of us have a questionable relationship with ourselves inside the sanctity of our own thoughts, and when we build the muscle of looking for the light in others, the magical side effect is that we will begin to see the light in ourselves, too!

Although the 80/20 rule is far from a rule — at least so far as I’m aware — it is a super power in the world of emotional intimacy and connection, and I enthusiastically invite you to give it a go, if you haven’t already.

Do you do this at home with your partner, kids, or at work with your peers? I’d love to hear about your experience with it (or questions, if you’d like to apply it more intentionally in your life).