The secret to looking and feeling radiant.
Do you want to know my secret to looking (and more importantly, FEELING) radiant?
I take really exquisitely good care of myself.
I don't have strong opinions about most things, but I will eagerly jump up onto my soapbox with zeal to talk about this topic: self-care and your personal needs.
If you are not prioritizing you, your health, your nourishment, your body, your rest, your hydration, your nervous system regulation, your self-expression...you're bound to feel dull, foggy, exhausted, spread thin, and ultimately — assuming you have some things in your life you'd like to change — you'll inevitably struggle to make any of those changes.
Sustainable transformation (of any kind) cannot happen on a rocky foundation. It's not enough to book a retreat once a year or to even rock up to a coaching call once a week. You need to change your habits in your life so that they are supportive of you 7 days a week/365 days a year.
In my experience most people have no idea what it looks or feels like to create a truly supportive environment for themselves. This is where coaching with me is really unmistakably like being mothered in the way most of us were simply NOT mothered.
The way we all — in my opinion — need(ed) to be mothered.
To mother well is to fiercely advocate for those in your care to know themselves deeply and to care for themselves totally.
A mother who never learned to do this for herself will instead opt to coddle and "care take" her children while sacrificing her own needs (thus teaching them to do the same), or will inadvertently neglect her children due to her own ignorance (thus teaching them to do the same). Neither scenario supports any child growing into adulthood empowered in this particular arena.
So when I say I care for myself exquisitely well, what I'm also saying is that I mother myself well. I mother myself in ways my mother had no idea how to mother me. (This is also what it looks like to interrupt generational patterns.)
If you only learn to mother yourself as well as your mother mothered you, I'm going to be audacious and tell you: it's probably not cutting it. Even (and especially) if you think you're fine.
This is audacious because of course I don't know your mother. She is or was maybe wonderful in many ways. But if any aspect of your life feels out of balance, there was something she didn't (and couldn't) teach you which you need to learn for yourself.
Your job is not to be resentful toward her or to continue to create a life of endless suffering, but rather to fill in the gaps.
Why should this be a priority for you? Well, that's up to you to figure out, honestly. But I'll tell you why it's a priority for me:
Because I LOVE to feel generous. It really lights my fire. More than just about anything else. And if I try to be generous from an empty tank, being generous very quickly turns into a garbage fire of exhaustion and resentment, which feels like poison in my body.
When I take really ridiculously good care of myself — when I mother myself well — not only do I feel fantastic, but I also have the surplus to pour my love onto others, which illuminates them. And nothing brings me more delight than being surrounded by people who are illuminated in their lives.
I have a very specific list of examples of what that looks like in my practical daily life which you can find below:
SLEEP:
I always go to bed at least ten hours before I need to wake up the following day. Yes, ten hours. My body needs anywhere from 8 hours and 15 minutes of sleep to 9.5 hours most nights, and because I really don't like waking up to my alarm and I really do a lot of restoration while sleeping, I give myself a lot of room here. My sleep is my biggest priority, and I give myself a regular bedtime of 9:30pm most nights, and sometimes I go to bed a little earlier (if I'm really tired), and sometimes a little later, but I have a notification on my phone that tells me, at 9:20pm, to go to bed and at that point I start to transition from what I'm doing and go get ready for bed. Once I get into bed, depending on how tired I am, I will either go straight to sleep, or I'll read for a while. My body clock is such that I am the most energized throughout the day when I'm asleep from 9:30/10pm-6:30/7am and I've really researched this and so when I make the choice to stay up later, it's a conscious one and I know it will have consequences (even if I get the same number of hours of sleep, I have way less energy if I, for example, sleep from midnight to 9am).
When I feel spread thin, jetlagged, have been traveling and not in my normal routine, or feel imbalanced in any way, I go into triage mode, and this is the first thing I address. I put myself to bed EARLY. Because when I'm tired, nothing else goes well for me. I won't eat well, I won't exercise, I'll lack focus, I'll be irritable, and it's very hard to break that cycle (for me) if I'm not in my normal sleep routine.
HYDRATION:
Every night, a part of my bedtime routine involves filling up my water bottle and putting it on my nightstand. When I wake up in the morning, I drink a half liter of water, and aim to drink about 3 liters of water throughout the day from there. Most mornings I'll chant 108 recitations of the Gayatri Mantra to the water in my body after I drink it, which is incredibly electrifying and illuminating for my whole body. I believe that prayer and consciousness moves through water, and this is one of the ways I really amplify that within myself and outward. This practice feels like tuning my body each morning.
I pay very close attention to my hydration, generally. If my eyes are dry or my pee is yellow, I drink water. If I'm tired I drink water. I eat water-dense fruits and vegetables (like grapes and cucumbers and tomatoes) to get water through my food. I drink greens (in powder form) in water before eating breakfast, which is good for intra-cellular water content and cellular hydration. I also filter my water, because the water in Denmark severely dehydrates me.
And I don't drink alcohol.
PHYSICAL BODY SUPPORT:
This one is admittedly huge for me. I have a pretty frequent rotation of most of these things, such that around once a week I'm going to at least one thing which is restorative for my body:
Floating (at Copenhagen Float): I do an hour float about twice a month.
Acupressure/Cupping (at Centrum Zoner): I do this within a week of returning from traveling and anytime my body feels imbalanced, usually at least once a quarter.
Osteopath (at Klinik KropsVærkstedet): I go once a quarter and usually plan an appointment for after I've been traveling to realign me, unless I'm working through an injury in which case I'll go as frequently as is needed.
Bodywork/Body SDS usually once every month or two, depending on when she's in Copenhagen.
Epsom Salts baths (I do this especially when I've been around a lot of people and need to clear my energy)
In addition to the above, I practice yoga nidra about 3-4 times a week (with Attune to the Moon), and use my infrared sauna blanket 3-4 times a week (I usually do these both at the same time, and after I've worked out - see next post for more on movement).
MOVEMENT:
I practice yoga 2-3 mornings a week (on weekdays), and I sign up for those classes in advance so I'm fined if I don't show (which means I'll go!). I use morning yoga classes as a means to "state shift" into my day (and get me out of my very comfortable bed!). Because I work from home and really do well with a consistent routine, this is really helpful for me.
I go to the gym and do strength training, some weightlifting movements, functional training with free weights and occasionally cardio which involves resistance training (ski-erg, assault bike, rowing machine) 2-3 times a week at Vesterbronx Gym. This gym is a big part of my sanity. I love being around the burly bodybuilders in there who keep me motivated to push my body to its limits and get strong.
I TRY to walk 10,000 steps a day, which I do way less during the summer when I tend to be more busy than during the winter when there is less going on. I often walk to the gym unless I'm pressed for time and have a lot of deliverables. I monitor my steps using Strava to keep it exciting.
I also roll on a foam roller often at home and sometimes go to virtual yoga classes with the amazing Johanna Bell if it works in my schedule to do so.
Most importantly: I PUT ALL OF THIS IN MY CALENDAR EVERY WEEK AND DO NOT COMPROMISE ON IT. I plan all of my calls around ensuring I'm moving for at least an hour per day.
VEGETABLES:
I eat 500 grams of green vegetables every day. Being "regular" is hugely important to me, and so is gut health, the microbiome, and epigenetics, which are all tied to the optimization of the digestive system. I’m a huge proponent of the connection between gut health and mental health and have personally seen huge changes in my health by addressing both what I eat, how I live, and how I think.
SCREEN TIME:
I have a rule that I will not have more than 4 hours of zoom calls in a day, and no more than 15 hours in one week. Once I reach this limit, I tell anyone who needs me who is not in Copenhagen that I'm not available, even if there is "room" in my schedule.
On days where I have 4 hours of calls, I close my computer and go outside when I'm not on those calls. I always plan at least a 30 minute break between each call.
If I break this rule, I regret it immediately because I begin to feel super fried. I learned about this threshold by researching what my limit was for me, and encourage everyone, especially now, to know what it is for them.
I am also sensitive to EMFs: I keep a big rock of tourmaline next to my computer. I also have a lamp timer on my internet so it's off from 10pm-8am, and I sleep with my phone on airplane mode.
SOCIALIZING/INTIMACY (aka: energetic hygiene):
I NEED variety in my social life, and enjoy having connections with all different kinds of people, from all over the world. In many ways I am very fed by social interaction, sharing information, and connections of all shapes and sizes.
That said, I do not have close friends who do not take responsibility for their energy/emotions. My friendships are generative places to retreat for me, where I do not need to be "on" in any way.
When I go to group events, whether it's with people I know or not, I give myself permission to leave whenever I get the hit to, no matter what, and I never feel a need to justify my departure. It's just time to go, period.
If I'm a no to a connection, I say so. I do not feel a need to provide a reason.
I am selective about what events I attend, generally. I give myself permission to change my mind if my intuition is telling me I'm better off not going. I don't say yes immediately most of the time unless it's a very clear yes for me. I wait until I've had time in my own energetic field with it and then listen for the answer (this is not an intellectual process for me, and my choice is not personal - if my system is a yes, I go. If it's a no, I don't.).
In intimate relationships, I would never consider being with a partner who I felt depleted around, or who had a lot of energetic subtext requiring me to constantly read between the lines of his behavior and communication.
I generally do experience extended time with others as overall depletive, and I do eventually need to retreat into my own space to restore, no matter who it is or where I am. Everyone who is close to me knows this about me. I benefit greatly from and am highly productive in my alone time, and when I have had it in ample stores, I am very very generous with my energy. If I haven't had enough of it, I start to wilt (and become irritable). One of the best ways to love me is to give me space to feel myself.
ENVIRONMENT:
I should start by saying that I am much more sensitive to and attuned to this need than just about anyone I know.
Light, aesthetics, acoustics, and the ability to practically be able to do what I need to support my routines with what is available, is a big part of my environment being supportive for me. I need space to move around, and I require cleanliness and clutter-free spaces if I'm to stay for longer than a few hours. I need to be able to cook and care for myself and turn inward without interruption. My home is very much like a temple for me — it is where I restore, recharge, and integrate — and when I travel, I also do my best to choose places to stay which will honor this need, as I immediately begin to feel the consequences of staying in a place which, for example, doesn't have a well-appointed kitchen, isn't clean, is in an area with a lot of noise pollution, doesn't have enough daylight, or has a "dull" or "damp" energy. I can smell and hear (these are two of my strongest senses) immediately when a place will be supportive for me, or not.
It's always been very hard for me to explain to others without feeling totally vain and materialistic, but it's as though I NEED beauty and peace and resonance in my home. Things being out of their place or disorganized or there being too much to look at, or otherwise a neglected space where things are falling apart really is disruptive and disorienting for me, and I will not be able to focus on anything else until it's resolved. There is a word for this: entropy. It's like unpotentiated energy and I'm very acoustically attuned to it. I genuinely experienced it as someone banging on a piano playing a bunch of dissonant pitches all at once, deep inside my ears. It feels chaotic to me, and although I am happy to be around and visit chaos and I handle it well, I refuse to live in it, and I need to be able to remove myself from it when I need to.
One might call it anal; I call it impeccability. If energy cannot flow freely at home, I start to feel like I'm suffocating (incidentally, this is also true of literally everything else I shared about - freedom of energetic movement is at the core of all my needs, all the way down to food and water and sleep). If I'm in an environment with lots of entropy but I'm in charge of working with the energy of the space (for example, leading a retreat), it is totally fine and I work with the energy because there is consent for me to do so. If I'm at someone else's event and this aspect is not being managed, it quickly starts to tear me apart and suck me dry (so usually I leave, or stay by finding my yes for the experience in the interest of my own transmutation - here I listen deeply to see if I'm triggered and that is propelling my desire to leave, in which case, I will stay because I can then see there must be learning in this in order to penetrate my own resistance and find resonance from within).