I used to be terrified of the word no.

And so if I sensed there was a risk of getting no for an answer, I would either avoid the question, or shift the language such that I could get a yes, or even a maybe instead.

Yes and maybe felt like relief, while no felt like despair.

This happened especially often in intimate relationship, but also showed up in friendships and with colleagues.

I didn't understand that someone saying no to me was actually a gesture of love. They were being honest, which is kind, even if that meant they weren't available to meet me where I wanted to be met, or wanted the same things as I did.

Not surprisingly I also got REALLY confronted when I was a no to something or someone and then had to make the verbal communication to follow up. In fact, rarely did I actually make the communication verbally at all!

Because the only thing which felt worse that being rejected was rejecting someone else. So I just went ahead and avoided that like the plague. Better to harbor resentment, instead!

The word no was, for me, synonymous with abandonment, rejection, unworthiness, undesirability, and not being good enough, and I didn't want to go anywhere near it.

It was groundbreaking for me when I began to learn how to say no like it was a yes (in my own heart).

Did you know you can say no to a person's request while being a yes to who they are?
Did you know that saying no can be incredibly intimate and loving?
Did you know that saying no to something which is not a priority for you is one of the ways you fill up your self-trust tank and pull the plug on your resentment stores?
Did you know that it's possible for people to receive your no and not challenge it, try to coerce you to change it to a yes, demand you give an explanation, or otherwise feel a need to defend themselves against it?
That they could just respond to your no with a simple "thank you!"?

When I'm coaching a client who asks me what they should do about something, it's rarely about them not knowing what they want (even if they present it that way). They know what they want almost always. When I ask them a direct yes or no question about it, they almost never hesitate with the real answer.

And it quickly becomes apparent that where they need coaching is on their reluctance to give an honest answer and be forthcoming in their communication about what's true for them, without feeling a need to defend their stance.

This is such a common theme in the work I do with my clients, and also in the work Alexandra Stockwell does with hers, that we've built in quite a lot of curriculum about that into our Communication Mastery I retreat in California in August.

If you'd like to streamline your communication and feel more effortless in your ability to express the truth of who you are to others (and receive the truth of whom others are), this is an [amazing in person] event you don't want to miss.

Space is limited and we're already half full. If you'd like to learn more or apply, you can learn more here.